i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
