I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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