The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize