im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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