The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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