Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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