I want you more than these girls want KFC
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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