wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
