Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
