I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
