mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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