Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize