I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
