Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
