It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
