apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
