I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
