i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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