Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
