I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
