Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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