so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
