I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I will pee on everything he values.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
