During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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