She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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