There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
