You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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