last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
