I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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