Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
