i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
