Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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