I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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