i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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