At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
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