I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize