true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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