Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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