my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
