The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
