Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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