Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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