He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
