I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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