apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize