I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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