my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
