when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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