I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
