Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
