Pants 0. Shit 1.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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