Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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