Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
