No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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