Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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