Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
