Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am midnight drunk by noon
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
