I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
