legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
